I am queer. I identify as a pansexual cis-female.
It’s very important we as a queer community, along with our allies, keep the conversation going about the rights we deserve and continue to fight for as human beings. Rights that are freely given to others who fit the current narrative of normal.
An equally important conversation is the homophobia that exists within the queer community.
Back when I believed in the gender binary, I identified as bisexual. Nearly all my partners were cis-male. Looking back now my choices were definitely a combination of what I liked and what society at large told me I was supposed to like.
My lack of cis-female partners seemed to invalidate my identity as bisexual to my peers. I was often told I wasn’t really bisexual, maybe I just had crushes on cis-females or I was experimenting or just confused. When I ended up marrying a cis-male I was told on numerous occasions by people both within and outside of the queer community that I had “chosen a side.”
There are at least two problems with this.
The first issue is that I don’t need to prove my identity to anyone for any reason. My identity is how my soul expresses itself to the world. My identity is sacred and special. No one is allowed to challenge or take my identity away from me.
The second issue is how we end up doing the very same things to our peers that those outside of our community are doing to us. Creating definitions of what I should look and behave like as a bisexual or pansexual woman is just as oppressive when it comes from within my queer community. It’s hateful and it’s hurtful. It’s even more hateful and hurtful when it comes from my peers.
And to imply my queerness is a choice is so deeply rooted in ignorance. Being queer was just as much a choice for me as my brown eyes were.
And you know what? I’ve done it too. I used to walk around in my ignorant and selfish bliss believing I had the right to force narratives on others. I promoted these marginal definitions as to what each form of queer was supposed to be.
I was wrong. I fully admit that I was both queer and homophobic. Both can and do exist together.
I am sorry. Having been on both sides of this ugly situation I fully understand the lack of compassion, love and support it provides. We as a community will not thrive if we continue to create as well as perpetuate these harmful truths.
It’s really as simply as allowing people the space to exist as they are.