This Is What No One Wants To Tell You About Forgiveness

Posted on November 8, 2021 by Laura Kaponer

Originally published on Thought Catalogue https://thoughtcatalog.com/laura-kaponer/2021/06/this-is-what-no-one-wants-to-tell-you-about-forgiveness/ on June 26, 2021

I am a bitter old hag. There, I said it. I admit it. I’m going to make peace with who and what I am because there is no use continuing to fight it.

Ah, forgiveness. It’s good and cleansing and all the other beautiful things it’s rumored to be. I’m not here to argue any of those things, because to some extent, they’re all true. But the reality is that not all of us can get there.

Forgiveness is far more complicated than the sweet platitudes, and I’ve heard them all. There’s that one about holding a grudge and expecting the other person to die, but you do. Or this immense weight lifted off of you that leaves you free. My personal favorite is that forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the other person, but is all about how you heal.

Okay. Once again, not everyone can get there. So I guess for the rest of us we remain weighted down, punishing ourselves while drowning in our own grudge juice.

I’m 40 years young. I feel fairly confident claiming I’ve forgiven people who I perceived have hurt me for the first 30 years of my life. Three-fourths ain’t so bad. Believe me when I say there was a whole lot of anger, pain, and resentment to process through.

It was hard. It was crawling-through-glass-with-acid-rain-pouring-down-on-me kind of hard. I did it because even a bitter old hag has her limits of survivable bitterness.

The biggest contributing factor was that most of those people were my peers. We were all young, insensitive, and selfish pricks to some extent. We hurt one another because we ourselves were hurting. At the time, we didn’t have the emotional capacity to handle it in a healthy way. We did the best we could with what we were working with. It was both okay and definitely not okay.

Since then, I’ve reconnected with most of those people on some level. Thank the gods for social media. From what I can tell, we’ve all matured and evolved past the insensitive, selfish pricks we once were. Well, most of us, anyway. Now we’re in a place where we can collectively laugh and laugh-cry about it all. Sometimes there may be adult beverages involved, and I’m not one to turn down a Pina Colada.

That brings us to the most recent decade of my life. Each preceding decade claimed they were the most bruised and battered. My thirties cackles at their ignorance.

The highlight reel of my most recent decade would include a divorce, a foreclosure, a strain of abusive relationships and friendships, the height of an untreated eating disorder, and a series of employers who crapped on me with the skill and precision of Olympic athletes.

This is definitely not a pity party. I survived the catastrophic shitstorm of my thirties when others may not have. My takeaway from making it out the other end is that I’m one badass bitch. It’s true. I have references you can ask.

Just because I’m a self-proclaimed badass bitch doesn’t mean I’m not still struggling with open wounds from what happened. Both things can be equally true. And they are.

Back to those platitudes I previously mentioned. I know I’m expected to be the bigger person. I know I’m supposed to forgive others in order to move on with my life. I know holding a grudge only really hurts me. Fill in the blank of whatever thing I should be doing and I’m not.

But I think I’m going to pass. I’m not interested right now. Maybe and hopefully I will be at some other point down the road.

The truth about forgiveness is that it’s MY choice. No one else’s. I choose when, how, and where. The “why” is completely up to me too. I’m allowed to be resentful, hateful, and spiteful towards those who have wounded me. It’s a basic right I have as a human being. No one can take that away from me. We’re constantly told it’s not okay to be those things. I think being told THAT is not okay. People shouldn’t force their forgiveness expectations onto others.

I am a bitter old hag because I choose to be. No one backed me into a corner. I’m not a victim here. I’m simply living my truth. Embracing my bitter old hag allows my kindness, compassion, and insight to shine through. It’s a crazy concept, and yet here I am.

I’m using all that energy I could spend fighting those perceived negative feelings to just live my life. The entire concept of negative feelings is complete bullshit too. Feelings are just feelings. The actions attached to those feelings may be positive or negative.

I’m not slashing tires or stealing kids’ ice cream cones, as tempting as those things may be. What I actually do is cry, scream, and process how the wounds happened. I throw profanities like a Tarantino movie at those who hurt me. I do all these things in a space where I feel safe. For those wondering, and I sincerely hope you are by this point, yes, I’m in therapy.

The truth about forgiveness is that it’s complicated. There isn’t one right or ultimate way to do it. There’s a personal style to it. My personal style is letting it fester for a bit. Sometimes I even take brief visits back in time to the first three decades of my life to throw a tantrum, and then I come back.

I always come back to where I want to be and how I want to exist. Currently, I want to exist as a bitter old hag. Tomorrow, it might be a Disney princess. Who the hell knows?!

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HAVING AN INVISIBLE DISABILITY DOESN’T MAKE IT ANY LESS REAL

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Laura Kaponer

Originally published at https://www.blufftonsun.com/having-an-invisible-disability-doesnt-make-it-any-less-real/ on Jan 15, 2019

Editor’s note: Laura Kaponer is a consumer of mental health services and recently open public advocate for living with a mental illness, rather than a professional mental health care provider.

It’s easy to judge something or someone from the outside and make certain assumptions. But just because someone is smiling doesn’t mean she’s happy, and just because someone isn’t bedridden doesn’t mean he isn’t sick.

There are so many different levels and ways of being sick that might appear different from what we as a society are conditioned to recognize as sick.

Let’s start with the misconception that if you aren’t well enough to work, you aren’t well enough to enjoy life. The stresses, restrictions, expectations, and time commitments of employment can in no way compare to that of a social outing.

While they are preferable, there are generally no hygiene or dress code requirements with friends. Social obligations are often more like social options, with plenty of flexibility regarding attendance, level of participation, start and end time, etc.

I know many fine folks who do not work and are on disability for a multitude of reasons. I, too, was very briefly on disability. Being on disability does not mean one should never leave home nor attempt to enjoy life.

Yet far too often, those on disability are shamed for doing so:

“If you can go to the movies, you can have a job.”

“If you can attend a comic book convention, you can have a job.”

“If you can go out with you friends to do anything for amusement, you can have a job.”

All those statements – and so many more – are based in ignorance.

If someone is sick and can manage to muster up the ability to do something that truly brings joy, in what world is that wrong?

Is that sick person meant to lock herself in her home, sit in the dark and be devoid of anything that can even temporarily distract her from her struggle or suffering?

If this is true, then what is the point of such fantastic organizations such as Make a Wish? Or why do celebrities visit hospitals to spend time with the sick?

I’m here to let you know that someone can be ill, even on disability, and still enjoy life. Those two things can exist at the same time and very well should.

Additionally, you don’t know what it took for the person to even make it out of the house for a few hours. It’s likely he or she spent quite a bit of time “recovering” after the fact.

Maybe the next time you see someone with a disability or illness out and about, before you judge, maybe instead be happy for that person.

Laura Kaponer is a mental health advocate and social media blogger, as well as a volunteer with the local chapter of NAMI. #Laura Kaponeris1in5 (as 1 in 5 Americans have a mental illness).

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STIGMA THAT HURTS MOST IS ONE WE PUT ON OURSELVES

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Laura Kaponer

Originally published at https://www.blufftonsun.com/stigma-that-hurts-most-is-one-we-put-on-ourselves/ on Feb 19, 2019

All too often I hear my mentally ill peers shame themselves for their symptoms or treatments. When it feels as if the whole world is against us, it’s more important than ever that we take a stand for ourselves.

When my good friend needed to seek inpatient treatment, he expressed it as if it was some personal failure on his part. I just didn’t see that as the case. 

To me, my friend was ill and needed to get medical treatment. Would it be failure if it had been the flu? Or how about a broken bone? 

I simply said that if you break your leg. you’ll need a cast and crutches. The choice is completely up to you and you can certainly go without those, but how far are you going to get? 

What I see in my friend’s decision – or any person’s decision – to go inpatient for mental health treatment is being proactive about taking their well-being into their own hands. 

Someone can faithfully take their medicine, regularly see a therapist and even attend support groups, but sometimes all of that just isn’t enough and a higher level of care is needed. What’s the shame in that? To me, that shows a high level of self awareness, responsibility and a dedication to their recovery. 

If someone is beyond the point of being able to make that decision for herself, I still see no shame, because sometimes it’s hard to see what’s happening right in front of us.

I have been inpatient for my mental health a total of five times, most recently in 2015. Three times it was not my decision, twice it was. It can be a bitter pill to swallow, realizing I do not have the capability to take care of myself.

However, like any other medical condition, this is the entire point of medical professional and hospitals: They are there for a reason and a resource none of us should feel ashamed to use.

The road to recovery is not linear. Someday I might end up back in the hospital. My level of wellness today might not be my level of wellness tomorrow. And that’s okay; I am at peace with this. 

Each day I will do the best I can, in each way I can, to move my recovery in a positive direction and that most definitely includes inpatient hospital care, should that be what I need at any given point.

I think the real danger in self stigmatizing is when we end up shaming ourselves to the point of not getting the help we need. That would not only be harmful to ourselves, but potentially to those around us as well. 

To me, being responsible for one’s own recovery is not something to be shameful of, but rather proud. 

To my friend who felt shameful about needing inpatient care, look at the strength it took to make that difficult decision and how much better you are for having made it.

Laura Kaponer is a mental health advocate and social media blogger, as well as a volunteer with the local chapter of NAMI. #LauraKaponeris1in5 (as 1 in 5 Americans have a mental illness).

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‘MY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS WERE NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS’

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Laura Kaponer

Originally published at https://www.blufftonsun.com/my-suicide-attempts-were-not-a-sign-of-weakness/ on Mar 19, 2019

Far too often I hear others say something in regards to the supposition that suicide is about weakness. I can see how it might seem that way from the outside looking in, like just giving up without a fight.

I think the problem here is forgetting that mental illnesses are medical illnesses. If someone were to die of any other medical condition, whether willfully or not, I wouldn’t ever call them “weak.”

For example, there are those with illnesses that decide of their own accord to stop treatment that might save or at least prolong their lives. Are they weak? Sometimes the treatment can seem worse than the illness itself, or maybe those afflicted no longer wish to suffer – or have those they love watch them suffer. I can relate.

In no way can I speak on behalf of everyone who has ever attempted suicide, but I can speak from my own personal experience and perhaps shed some light on something I think is very misunderstood.

I was ill, specifically mentally ill, and had been putting up a fight with all I had, for as long as I felt I could. At the time, I was not in therapy or properly medicated.

There was a darkness inside me that made it impossible for me to see anything positive, bright or beautiful. I was hurting a hurt I could not show anyone because it was within me. And the only thing that kept playing over and over in my head was that “it will never get better, things will never change.”

My first attempt was with pills; in my second attempt, I was standing on the ledge of a building I wanted to jump off of.

What was I thinking?

I wasn’t thinking. I was feeling all the feelings amplified about a thousand times. I wanted a way to shut it all out, to close my eyes and never open them again.

I wasn’t weak, I was sick. I needed medical care, which I did later receive. Over the course of the next several years, I worked with various medical professionals, family, friends and organizations like NAMI to get healthy.

In regards to my mental health, I don’t think I was ever weak, just varying degrees of well and unwell. And I don’t think “wellness” is synonyms with “strength” nor “illness” with “weakness.”

I also think it’s important to recognize that each person has his or her own personal limitations and capacities that have nothing to do with weaknesses. Unfortunately, sometimes some of us are pushed past our own capacities to the point that we may fracture.

I was fortunate to survive both of my attempts and to be able to work to heal my fractures. Not everyone has that opportunity.

But it doesn’t mean someone is weak.

Laura Kaponer is a mental health advocate and social media blogger, as well as a volunteer with the local chapter of NAMI. #LauraKaponeris1in5 (as 1 in 5 Americans have a mental illness).

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KEY TO GOOD MENTAL HEALTH IS HOW YOU HANDLE WHATEVER HAPPENS

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Laura Kaponer

Originally published at https://www.blufftonsun.com/key-to-good-mental-health-is-how-you-handle-whatever-happens/ on Apr 16, 2019

The periods in my life when I was the most balanced and stable were not necessarily the most peaceful or happiest times. They were, however, the times I was best prepared with my coping skills and strategies to deal with whatever happened.

After months of having health issues and countless tests with no clear answers as to what was going on, recently I received disappointing news that answered all my questions.

No need to worry, as it was not life or death; however, I am forced to reflect and reevaluate certain aspects of my life.

As I was sitting in the doctor’s office I could feel the tears building up. I thanked everyone in the office for their help and wished them a nice night. Then I got into my car to break down and cry.

Here’s the thing: Unless you live in a bubble, there is no way to 100% avoid crappy things from happening. And if you live in a bubble, you don’t experience wonderful things either.

I enjoy life and the multitude of challenges and lessons it provides me. Even when I don’t think I’m enjoying it, deep down I know some part of me is.

When presented with something upsetting, we all have different choices we can make, some healthier than others, and I have a lot of experiencing making the unhealthy choices. That night, I phoned a friend who came over.

I cried, she listened and offered some insight, there was hugging, ice cream and eventually a breath of fresh air with some laughter. It didn’t make my unpleasant thing go away – unfortunately nothing can do that at this time. But this was what I needed to make it over the hump.

For me, it’s not about having all the right answers or even knowing people that do. For me it’s about knowing which resource I need at which time to make it through until the next time. A friend, a support network, is a crucial resource for anyone in recovery.

I know now that I am going to be okay. Earlier that evening, in my moment of emotional avalanche, I did not know that. I am in a rational place to think about my problem and figure out different ways I can approach it.

I allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to admit I needed help, ask for that help, and then accept the help that was offered to me. These are three extremely difficult things to do that might or might not get easier with time.

Laura Kaponer is a mental health advocate and social media blogger, as well as a volunteer with the local chapter of NAMI. #LauraKaponeris1in5 (as 1 in 5 Americans have a mental illness).

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NAMI Connections meetings were my turning point

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Laura Kaponer

Originally published at https://yourislandnews.com/nami-connections-meetings-were-my-turning-point/ on Jun 19, 2019

The turning point in my recovery was attending my first NAMI Connections meeting. 

In March 2015, I experienced my most severe episode of mental illness which ultimately led me to relocate from New York to South Carolina to be closer to my primary support system, my parents. 

My parents offer me an abundance of love and support, but because they are not mentally ill themselves or trained mental health professionals, the type of support they can provide had its limitations. 

I had been aware of NAMI’s existence for several years yet I have never pursued any of their programs while living in New York. It took a couple months after my move south to build up the courage to attend one of their Connections meetings. I’ll be honest, I was nervous. 

The majority of my previous experiences with other mentally ill people were not positive, so I was unsure what to expect. For weeks, when Wednesday night would come around,  I found one lame excuse or another why I couldn’t make it to the meeting that night until the day I ran out of excuses.

This was a point in my life where I was out of work, living with family and had no direction in my life. The shame ran deep because I wasn’t measuring up to society’s or even my own expectations of where I should be at that point in my life. 

On top of that I had made the decision to keep the mental illnesses in my life private because this was my fresh start, I didn’t want to be that mentally ill person.

At the time, the meetings were held at a local college campus in the library in a room not too different from a fish bowl in that half the walls were windows. Punctuality is a gift/curse of mine, I was extremely early. As I apprehensively walked in to the room, I immediately chose a seat near the door anticipating a quick escape when necessary.

It was not at all like I thought it would be. The facilitators, who are peers trained to lead the meeting, welcomed me with warm smiles and introductions. 

Each seat had a handout that explained the parameters of the meetings. I let out a deep breath because this really wasn’t so scary after all. A little bit of order in the midst of my chaotic and confusing life was a much welcomed change.

The beginning of the Connections meeting has a set structure, and then after that, it’s an open group discussion. I was surrounded by people who had similar experiences to my own yet were from all different walks of life and in varying stages of their own recovery. 

This felt like a safe place for me, free of judgment and full of support. It quickly became apparent to me that no matter what else was going on in my life, these weekly meetings could be a home base for me. 
It was through these NAMI Connections meetings that I first discovered the concept and practice of peer support. This by no means replaced my need for professional intervention — it was a nice compliment to it. 

At these meetings I gained mentors who later on became good friends and, at the same time, lost the shame I had been carrying around with me for so long. I saw others in the group living openly with their illnesses, sharing their stories publicly and taking the lessons they learned to help others. 

I found that my own experiences had value to others in the meetings and in helping others in their recoveries, I was able to help myself in my own recovery. 

Relationships and jobs came and went over the next four years, but NAMI was a constant. The only real negative thing about NAMI is that not nearly enough people know about it or the impact it could play in someone’s recovery. 

The turning point in my recovery was attending my first NAMI Connections meeting nearly four years ago. I would not be where I am today if I had never walked into that room.

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THE REALITY OF FOOD ADDICTION: BEING ENSLAVED TO A HABIT

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Laura Kaponer

Originally published at https://www.blufftonsun.com/the-reality-of-food-addiction-being-enslaved-to-a-habit/ on Jun 18, 2019

Addiction: The state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

In my opinion, there is no hierarchy when it comes to addiction. All addiction is painful and often traumatic to the person experiencing it. 

Addiction Recovery is an ongoing process; one cannot simply be “cured,” however one can retain long periods of sobriety. Addiction isn’t about simply liking something a bit too much, or the occasional overindulgence; it’s about a carnal need to obtain something.

From an early age, I was addicted to food. The specific foods I craved don’t matter (it wasn’t fresh vegetables). What’s important is the sense of powerlessness I had over my food, the incessant thoughts about food, planning my life around food – a hunger that was far beyond anything physical.

There were definitely periods in my life where I had more of a handle on my addiction. I could use various coping skills I had learned throughout therapy to not give in. 

But for me, there are so many outside factors that directly impact where I am in my recovery at any given moment.

Last year, I was experiencing severe stress from my employment situation, which led to a relapse in my binge eating disorder. 

Why didn’t I use those coping skills? Because giving into my addiction was easier and had instant gratification. 

Simply put, it felt good – and who doesn’t want to feel good when life is making them feel bad? 

It started off small because to me a cookie is never really just a cookie; it’s the gateway to the entire box of cookies.

In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders V (DSM V), the “bible” of mental health professionals, binge eating disorder is, in fact, an actual diagnosis all on its own.

DSM V explains it better than I ever could: 

“Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following:

1. Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than what most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar circumstances.

2. A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating).”

There were countless times I ate not only to the point of extreme discomfort, but often to physical illness. How many times did I end up on the bathroom floor at a friend’s holiday party crying from the pain? 

This past December I had to make a plea for help.

I had completely given in to my addiction to the point that I did not recognize what an appropriate meal was in regards to portions or food selection. 

This was a low I had never plummeted to previously in my decades of battling my food addiction. It was time to get my life back.

To be continued …

Laura Kaponer is a mental health advocate and social media blogger, as well as a volunteer with the local chapter of NAMI. #LauraKaponeris1in5 (as 1 in 5 Americans have a mental illness)

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A thank you letter to mental health professionals

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Laura Kaponer

Originally published at https://yourislandnews.com/a-thank-you-letter-to-mental-health-professionals/ on Aug 14, 2019

Recently, I was at an appointment when the receptionist noticed I was dressed far nicer than my usual casual look and inquired why. 

I proudly told her I was working full time again, to which she wanted to know what I was doing. 

My pride swelled even further as I announced it was with the mentally ill population. 

The frown on her face was instantaneous as she muttered her apologies. I knew that those with Mental Illnesses faced a horrible Stigma, but I was unaware Mental Health Professionals faced that Stigma as well.
This is where I am at a complete loss because I always thought working in the medical field was prestigious as in “Your child is a doctor? You must be so proud!” 

Another thought I had was that those who make a career out of serving others are honorable: military, firefighters, etc. 

So why is it that I am constantly having to explain to others that my career choice wasn’t a last resort because I couldn’t find anything else or anything “better?” Why do others feel sorry for me?
Well before I ever dreamed of walking down this path, I felt mental health professionals were unsung heroes who were in the position on often pushing a boulder up a hill. 

Insurance companies treat mental health benefits separate from other medical benefits even though mental illnesses are, in fact, medical conditions. There are often much lower provider reimbursements in comparison to other medical professionals, lots of red tape involving authorizations and unrealistic visit limitations that force many in the field to go private in order to make a their career livable. 

The result is less providers accepting insurances makes fewer cost efficient options for patients to receive the care they need. 

Being a mental health professional is by no means a flashy, high-profile or high-paying career in most instances, In my personal experience those who choose this path do so because of the genuine want to make a difference. 

Glamorous, hardly. Respectable, highly so.
Mental health facilities are closing all over the country, services becoming greatly reduced, yet the population keeps growing. 

Currently, 1 in 5 Americans will experience a mental illness in their lifetime. Just as those with cancer, diabetes, HIV, those with a mental illness need resources for survival that include professionals to help them manage their symptoms in hopes of having an opportunity at a more fulfilling life. 

Where will these 1 in 5 end up without the help they need? Most likely in jail, on the streets or dead. 

That is what people should feel sorry about, not those working hard to prevent these horrible things from happening.
For most of my life I have felt insecure in the professional world often pushing through just to pay the bills. Working with the mentally ill is unlike anything I could have ever imagined for myself in the best possible way, because it is here I have the opportunity to take my first-hand knowledge to help my peers better navigate their own journeys. Hopefully, far less bumpy than mine was. 

In reality, it is I who feels sorry for anyone too ignorant to understand the important work that is being done to help make the world at large a much better place. 

One in 5 means your neighbors, your coworkers, your family and your friends. Mental health matters affect everyone. 

This is for all the mental health professionals who have helped me in the last 30 years. Because I would not have survived without you.

Thank you.

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Grief versus the control freak

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Laura Kaponer

Originally published at https://yourislandnews.com/grief-versus-the-control-freak/ on Sept 11, 2019

One of the necessary elements for me to maintain my recovery is to have order in my life. If you come into my home everything has a place, rooms have themes, things are organized by size/shape/color/function, etc. 

I have a giant dry-erase weekly to-do list hanging on my fridge, a paper weekly to-do list on my coffee table, and countless notepads to make daily to do lists to carry on me at all times. I was never officially diagnosed with OCD but … feel free to draw your own conclusions.

Having said all that, you know and I know that’s just not how life works, mostly because I don’t live in a bubble; my reality consists of a world engaging with a multitude of people who do not function in that same exact way. It took me a while to accept that my perfect system is not the absolute perfect system for everyone in existence. And just because I accept it doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle with this pretty much on a daily basis.

Grief laughs in my face when it comes to my system. Grief is like a sleeper cell that could detonate at any unknown possible and most likely highly inconvenient moment. 

Some days I’m perfectly fine kicking ass and taking names, in alphabetical order of course. Other days there’s a grief explosion destroying everything in its path. 

What I can appreciate about grief is its ability to keep things interesting: sometimes it’s Hulk-like rage, other times it’s ugly hyperventilating crying, and once in a while for me it’s this black-hole void of nothingness where the mute button got hit on all five of my senses.
More than anything grief is a teacher. It is within my grief I am reminded of the importance to breathe in a state of deep reflection for what was, what is, and what will now never again be. 

Grief throws me in the lake without a life vest yelling, “sink or swim! You choose.” My choice. 

At the end of the day, the beginning of the day, all day, every day, it is my choice what I’m going to do with the all consuming this of my life.

I love order, I need order, I crave order, yet I cannot always have order in my life. Grief reminds me of that. 

Grief is that trust fall I did in Girl Scout Camp where I hope they’ll catch me, but I don’t 100 percent know they will until it actually happens. 

Does that mean I just stay there standing on that rock never even trying? Absolutely not. It means I need to use this grief to build me up, not tear me down, and place my faith in the universe that things are going to be okay. 

I need to place the faith into myself that I am going to be OK.

Laura Kaponer was honored last month as the Stigma Buster of the Year for 2019 by the South Carolina state conference of the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

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Family comes together to face mental illness

Posted on November 2, 2021 by Laura Kaponer

Originally published at https://yourislandnews.com/family-comes-together-to-face-mental-illness/ on Oct 30, 2019

There’s a saying that “mental illness is a family disease.” 

Felicia Vairo can speak to this first-hand as her youngest daughter, Emily, was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder in the summer of 2015. Emily was described as a model child consistently excelling at all things put before her including graduating college a whole year ahead of schedule with a double major in French and International Business.

At 22-years old, while living in N.Y. away from her family, Emily started to exhibit certain actions very out of character: posting strange photos on social media, boundless energy, conflicts with friends and family, and risky behaviors. 

A visit for a family reunion in S.C. quickly escalated to an evaluation at Beaufort Memorial Hospital, where she received her Bipolar I diagnosis. Felicia was shocked as concerns began to mount about whether Emily would ever have a normal life again, find happiness, and what the journey ahead would be like.

One of the biggest challenges Felicia felt was trying to find the absolute best care for Emily. For those who don’t know, most insurances have stringent limitations on what they will cover for mental health care, especially when compared to physical illnesses. 

In addition to finding the appropriate medical providers, treatments can prove to be a financial burden to many, but the Vairos were determined to do whatever it took to give Emily the best chance at recovery.

What has helped the most in this process is that Felicia, along with the rest of the family, took the initiative to play an active role in Emily’s recovery. 

It’s important to figure out that balance of being there and allowing Emily the ability to stand on her own, trusting her ability to make her own choices. 

Offering support could be anything from helping Emily get to and from her appointments to planning special activities to remind her that she is loved, valued, and important. 

Felicia became an active member of NAMI Lowcountry, attending state conferences, joining the Recovery Council, and volunteering as a Family Support Group facilitator. 

It was essential to learn as much as she could about the illness, the treatments, and being an advocate for the mentally ill community at large.

It’s easy to focus on the hardships a family can experience when a loved one has a mental illness, but Felicia has a different approach altogether. She feels Emily’s diagnosis was a blessing in disguise because it brought the entire family much closer together. 

Although at times stressful, the family as a whole had to re-evaluate its dynamics and habits to help everyone function in a healthier way as a team. Everyone is continuing to learn and grow throughout this process. 

Felicia enjoys referring to two particular NAMI Principals of Support for guidance: “We expect a better future in a realistic way” and “We will never give up hope.”

For more information on the services and support groups offered locally please visit www.namilowcountry.org.

Laura Kaponer is a mental health advocate and blogger, as well as a volunteer with the local chapter of NAMI. You can find her on social media by searching #Laurakaponeris1in5.

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